Irregular Podcast! #2

Transcript

Me: Hello, welcome to Irregular Podcast! number two. Today I have a special guest in the studio, none other than Herr Colonel Haken! Hello Herr Colonel. Guten tag. How are you doing today?

Haken: Guten tag. Das ist ein gut story.

Me: Excellent. I thought your German accent would be a bit stronger.

Haken: Ah, well it was stronger to begin with, but I've been living for sixty years now in Australia. You know after World War Two, and the brief time in Argentina.

Me: Okay, let's track back to actually the nineteen thirties; imagine you were there...

Haken: Right. Ah - good times.

Me: Yes, Herr Colonel, how does it feel being subordinate to a disembodied brain?

Haken: I try not to take it too much into account. I usually hang a little portrait over the front of the disembodied brain - if I can get away with it.

Me: Right.

Haken: When his eyes aren't on.

Me: He has eyes?

Haken: They're separate.

Me: Oh, I see. What about ears?

Haken: They're separate as well. In fact he uses a pair of mouse ears.

Me: Mouse ears?

Haken: Yes.

Me: Why mouse?

Haken: Loyal?

Me: Loyal?

Haken: Loyal servants...

Me: Oh, fair enough.

Haken: ...to the Third Reich. This obviously never got out, because you know...

Me: Well, yes...

Haken: ...bad propaganda.

Me: I can imagine. Speaking of loyalty. Erwin: what do you think about his loyalty to the Nazi cause?

Haken: I think he has none and I think he should be shot immediately.

Me: So, why haven't you done this?

Haken: Because I have not received orders from our leader, our glorious Führer to do so. It is obvious he can be used in some way.

Me: Ah.

Haken: I have faith in this process.

Me: So, Nazi science, what's the story?

Haken: Well it really doesn't need to be called "Nazi science" - its just science. It is the logical extension and the repudiation of all of the other so-called sciences

Me: Ah, so its superior to other sciences?

Haken: Well, obviously, naturally, yes. History has shown it to be so.

Me: Well okay, we'll just gloss over that bit. Can you comment on the rumours that Hitler's brain is planning to annex Austria?

Haken: Er... I can't possibly comment on such an annexation. However Hitler is gloriously beloved in Austria, and I'm sure the Austrian people would clamour for it to be the case. Not that we would, necessarily, make it the case.

Me: Right. That's a very equivocal answer.

Haken: But if they did ask us, I'm sure it would be possible.

Me: Now, Herr Colonel, we all know you have a hook instead of a right hand. Can you tell us how you lost your hand?

Haken: Well, it was obviously a bizarre piranha accident. Hitler was at one stage attempting to cohabit his brain in, in a...

Me: Oh - in a piranha tank.

Haken: Yes. In a piranha tank because it looks cool.

Me: Yes.

Haken: The piranhas took a great deal of training I should say, not to attempt to take nibbles.

Me: Right.

Haken: But we found some true, loyalist, Nazi piranhas...

Me: Uh-huh.

Haken: ... and for quite a while they did occupy the tank. We were also experimenting - Hitler himself was experimenting on his own brain and at one point wanted to have teeth on his brain.

Me: Right.

Haken: And he ended up eating the piranhas. I think he was hungry.

Me: Ah - and your hand came into this... where?

Haken: As I was trying to fish the remaining piranha skeletons out, Hitler bit it off.

Me: Oh, Hitler bit your hand off?

Haken: Yes, yes. It wasn't actually the piranhas

Me: One could get confused on that point.

Haken: Well, yes. I mean there were lots of teeth in the tank at the time. Most of them disembodied.

Me: So, are there any disadvantages...

Haken: He has, of course, disembodied teeth as well. We removed them from the brain but they're still around, somewhere.

Me: Presumably.

Haken: We've lost track of them.

Me: So, are there any disadvantages to having a hook instead of a hand?

Haken: It's no worse than an eye patch.

Me: But you don't have an eye patch.

Haken: Well, that's right, but I have to be very careful not to, you know, scratch my eye, or...

Me: Oh, right, that would require an eye patch.

Haken: Yes, that's right.

Me: Moving on - you often fly...

Haken: I have had different kinds of hooks in the past.

Me: Oh yes? Do tell.

Haken: Well, obviously a big fishing marlin kind of thing.

Me: Yeees.

Haken: That's for the fishing expeditions after the piranha and the teeth incident. Hitler took me on a fishing trip.

Me: Oh, right, as all Führers do...

Haken: Yes, we went shark fishing.

Me: Mm-hmm.

Haken: And so he would reel them in, and then I'd marlinspike them and get them on board.

Me: Great - so, like a bonding session between you and Herr Führer.

Haken: He obviously had his good reasons for biting off my hand. I think he may have felt like making something up to me.

Me: Ah.

Haken: He didn't have to of course, but the sentiment was very appreciated.

Me: Moving on to zeppelins, you often fly in them.

Haken: Yes.

Me: How do you feel about their safety record?

Haken: Well, I have to be very careful with the hook.

Me: As you would.

Haken: Yes, they're probably the safest mode of transport in the world.

Me: Right. So how do you explain the Hindenburg incident?

Haken: Well, that wasn't really a zeppelin.

Me: Ah, what was it?

Haken: It was a big flying thing. No, Nazi science draws a strong difference between the two. It was actually a propaganda thing.

Me: Right, so Nazi science, sneered at it or something?

Haken: No, no - it was a deliberate plan. We blew it up to discourage our enemies from attempting to build their own zeppelins.

Me: Ahhh.

Haken: It wasn't a real zeppelin. It was a giant inflatable decoy.

Me: Of course. Speaking of enemies.

Haken: Yes?

Me: Can I just ask you, why do you keep chasing the Jones family? Isn't there something else you could do? Something you might be successful at?

Haken: Well, we have been very successful at chasing them. We've chased them quite a long time.

Me: True...

Haken: I have no regrets about our long and successful chase.

Me: But they always get away from you.

Haken: Well we hadn't actually planned to catch them. The chase is the thing; we're training ourselves up. They're like experimental lab victims. If we wanted to catch them we would just catch them. But they are like lab rats and we chase them and observe their behaviour.

Me: And this presumably has something to do with the Nazi plan.

Haken: Well, it's Nazi science. In fact in many ways they are like lab rats.

Me: Cool. So I think we are about up for our time now. Thank you Herr Colonel Haken for joining us today.

Haken: Thank you for the interview, and I expect to see you back in experimental cage number 12 when you are done.

Me: Thank you. Good bye.

Haken: Bye.

(closing jingle) Irregulaaaar... Irregulaaar... Irregulaar... Irregular... Podcast.

Cast

Programme Notes

The other important thing to note is that absolutely none of what Colonel Haken says in this interview is canonical background material for the comic itself. Unless I decided to actually use it at some point.

Also, the fact that I say he has a hook instead of a right hand is not canonical either. He has a hook instead of a left hand. I guess he was too busy to correct me on that one.