Irregular Podcast! #10

Transcript

WARNING: Listening to this podcast ninety thousand times will cause you to age approximately one year.

[opening theme]

Voiceover: Star Wars Episode I: THE PHANTOM MENACE

Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.

Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.

While the congress of the Republic endlessly debates... Wait a second! Taxation of trade routes?! What the hell is this rubbish? Isn't this supposed to be an action movie? Anyway... these two Jedi knights go down to the planet of Naboo.

SFX: [Stampede]

Jar-Jar: Hey, help me! Help me!

Qui-Gon: Let go!

[stampede recedes]

Jar-Jar: Oyi, mooie-mooie! I luv yous!

Obi-Wan: Master Qui-Gon, what is this life form?

Jar-Jar: Meesa Jar-Jar Binks!

SFX: [lightsabres]

Voiceover: The complete Star Wars Hexalogy, remastered into ultimate fan editions.

Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan?

Obi-Wan: Yes, Master.

Qui-Gon: Make an analysis of this blood sample I'm sending you. I need a midi-chlorian count.

Obi-Wan: Er, all right. I've got it. Strange. The reading's off the chart... over twenty thousand.

Qui-Gon: That's it then.

Obi-Wan: Even Master Yoda doesn't have a midi-chlorian count that high!

Qui-Gon: No Jedi has.

Obi-Wan: What does it mean?

Qui-Gon: The boy must eat a lot of green leafy vegetables. They're a good natural source of that particular vitamin. Okay, he's clearly eating enough healthy food. This is of no further consequence, thanks, Obi-Wan.

Voiceover: See and hear the complete Jedi Council deliberations on whether Anakin should be trained as a Jedi.

[Entmoot]

Voiceover: The cantina scene the way it should be.

Greedo: Oota-goota, Solo?

Han: Yes, Greedo. As a matter of fact, I was just going to see your boss. Tell Jabba that I've got his money.

Greedo: Soampeeta-lay. Eemal-aitrantee-tachk-ma gee-ghkeet'na. Jabbawa-neen-chichko-ka soanoo-eeshah-neetrai-tran-a-ee wan-warooska. Chaskinyawich-yootzoo.

Han: Yeah, but this time I got the money.

Greedo: Elchai-yachkoolkain-tai cool-a-coo-soo-a.

Han: I don't have it with me. Tell Jabba...

Greedo: Tsee-nahaichee-kee! SochkoolROOLyapoolya-yaool-ra si pachki chka coo-shoo-koo poo-yoo-wa twee-pee.

Han: Even I get boarded sometimes. Do you think I had a choice?

Greedo: KTRA! Jabba POO pacoom-PAKni ACHKat AN-pa!

Han: Over my dead body.

Greedo: Oochlayyoo-ma... Chess bookoo-tootachkeest-CHKREN-ko, ya ol-chka.

Han: Yes, I'll bet you have.

BLAM!

Han: Sorry about the mess.

Voiceover: Relive Anakin's fall to the Dark Side.

Darth Sidious: Lord Vader, can you hear me?

Darth Vader: Yes, My Master. Where is Padme? Is she safe, is she all right?

Darth Sidious: I'm afraid she died. It seems in your anger, you killed her.

Darth Vader: Noooo!!!

Greedo: Oota-goota, Solo?

Han: Yes, Greedo. As a matter of fact, I was just going to see your boss. Tell Jabba that I've got his money.

Greedo: Soampeeta-lay. Eemal-aitrantee-tachk-ma gee-ghkeet'na. Jabbawa-neen-chichko-ka soanoo-eeshah-neetrai-tran-a-ee wan-warooska. Chaskinyawich-yootzoo.

Han: Yeah, but this time I got the money.

Greedo: Elchai-yachkoolkain-tai cool-a-coo-soo-a.

Han: I don't have it with me. Tell Jabba...

Greedo: Tsee-nahaichee-kee! SochkoolROOLyapoolya-yaool-ra si pachki chka coo-shoo-koo poo-yoo-wa twee-pee.

Han: Even I get boarded sometimes. Do you think I had a choice?

Greedo: KTRA! Jabba POO pacoom-PAKni ACHKat AN-pa!

Han: Over my dead body.

Greedo: Oochlayyoo-ma... Chess bookoo-tootachkeest-CHKREN-ko, ya ol-chka.

Han: Yes, I'll bet you have.

BLAM!
BLAM!

Voiceover: Oh, sorry, not sure how that got in there. Anyway. Other scenes recut and resequenced.

Uncle Owen: You must understand that I need you here, Luke.

Luke: {whiny} But it's a whole 'nother year!!

Uncle Owen: My my, where did you get that whiny attitude?

Voiceover: With explanatory flashbacks.

Anakin: {whiny} It's not fair, Padme! I want to be the best Jedi ever! It's all Obi-Wan's fault! Noooo!!!

Voiceover: Planets with realistic ecosystems.

Han: There isn't enough life on this ice cube to fill a space cruiser. The sensors are placed. I'm going back.

C-3PO: You are of course speaking metaphorically, since we both know Hoth supports a viable breeding population of large carnivores, for which you need a thousand-fold increase in biomass further down the food chain to the level of herbivores, and another hundredfold increase in primary producers.

Greedo: Oota-goota, Solo?

BLAM!

Han: Now there's no doubt about who shot first, you slimy green loser.

Voiceover: Taking the awkwardness out of romantic dialogue.

Leia: Why, you stuck up,... half-witted,... scruffy-looking... nerf-herder!

Han: Who's scruffy-looking? (to Luke) I must have hit her pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?

Leia: Why, I guess you don't know everything about women yet.

Luke: Hey, what's with this sisterly hug around the shoulders?

Leia: Trust me, in a few years you'll be glad I didn't kiss you on the lips.

Voiceover: Or the whole Anakin/Padme thing.

Padme: Anakin, my how you've grown!

Anakin: It's been six years, Senator.

Padme: Why, so it has! The last time I saw you, you were just beginning your training as a Jedi, having been saved from slavery by your mother. How is your mother, anyway?

Anakin: Uh, she's still on Tatooine. I think.

Padme: Really? I would have thought she'd want to distance herself from that place, given she was sold into slavery there.

Anakin: Uh, actually she's still a slave.

Padme: What? You mean you haven't used your influence amongst the Jedi council to buy her freedom, or simply stolen her away yourself?

Anakin: Actually, I just haven't given her much thought.

Padme: What!

Anakin: {whiny} Jedi training is very demanding!

Padme: I can't believe you haven't even thought about your mother in six years.

Anakin: {whiny} But Senator, I'm a leet killing machine now! Surely that counts for something?

Padme: Obi-wan, you're looking quite buff these days. Tell me you think about your mother sometimes.

Obi-Wan: I phone her every day, Senator.

Padme: Oh, Obi-wan!

Anakin: Nooooo!!!!

Greedo: Oota-goota, Solo?

Han: Greedo, I was just going to... aaaarhhh...

Wuher: Hey! What did you do to that pilot?

Greedo: Ma-lya-nichka ta-tooska te-meesh-no-booskoo ko-VIN-ko nat-chka.

Wuher: You went back in time and shot his grandfather, thus erasing him from existence? What?

Voiceover: And planets with more than one type of terrain.

Admiral Akbar: To the forest moon of Endor you must go...

C-3PO: Actually, sir, it has a hydrographic coverage of 38%, primarily in an ocean near its south pole.

Admiral Akbar: Ohhhh. You must infiltrate the moon of Endor, which is mostly forested, but with an ocean.

R2-D2: {beeps}

C-3PO: Oh yes, you're right Artoo, it also has two small deserts near the western equatorial region.

Admiral Akbar: Thank you good sir. To Endor you must go, which for the most part is forested, with a small ocean ,and a desert -

C-3PO: Two deserts, sir!

Admiral Akbar: And two deserts, and find the Imperial force shield generator -

R2-D2: {beeps}

C-3PO: Oh, sir! Sir!

Admiral Akbar: C-3PO my friend, what is it?

C-3PO: Artoo has just reminded me of a chain of mountains which -

Admiral Akbar: Thank you, C-3PO, that will be all.

C-3PO: But sir! The mountains have a cave system -

Admiral Akbar: Thank you!

C-3PO: Which feeds into an underground sea - eeeooooohhhhh {powered down}.

Admiral Akbar: Thank you, General Solo.

Han: Any time.

Admiral Akbar: Oyyy. Now, you must infiltrate the predominantly forest moon of Endor and destroy the Imperial shield generator protecting the Death Star.

Luke: {whiny} But why didn't they put the shield generator inside the Death Star instead?

Voiceover: See the true contribution of the Ewoks to the fall of the Empire.

Wicket: [grunts and Ewok noises]

Leia: Cut it out!

Wicket: [Ewok noises]

Leia: I'm not gonna hurt you.

Wicket: [Ewok noises]

BLAM!

Leia: Like hell I'm not. These guys should make good target practice for our troops.

Greedo: Oota-goota, Solo.

Han: Two can play that game, Greedo. I went back in time and shot your grandfather first!

Greedo: Nooooo!!!

[end theme]

Obi-Wan: I have a bad feeling about this.

Anakin: Nooooo!!!

Cast

Programme Notes