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Irregular Podcast! #12

2007-08-05: Irregular Podcast! #12 - "Will it really blend?" (9:59, 2.28 MB)


WARNING: This podcast may contain traces of Entmoot.


Here's the story, of an Irregular Podcast!
Which involved recruiting unsuspecting girls
All of them had hair of gold, except for one of them
Who also had no curls.

Here's the story, of an Irregular Podcast!
Which was busy with five guys on its own
They were five guys, singing all together
Though none could hold a tone

'Til the one day when the ladies met these fellows
And they knew right then that they'd been suckered in
So this group, must somehow make a podcast
And resist the urge to simply chuck it in
To chuck it in!
To chuck it in!
And resist the urge to simply chuck it in!

Vladimir: So, we were sitting around one day in one of our regular brainstorming sessions trying to think up an idea for a new Irregular Podcast!...

SFX: [rustling papers]

Warren: Well, I don't know! Do you expect me to come up with all the ideas?!

Ingrid: How about we copy something clever that someone else has done?

All: Brilliant!

Oscar: What?!

[brief silence]

Oliver: Like what then?

[more silence]

Andrew: Hey, what about that "Will it blend?" thing? There's a website, and the videos are all over YouTube...

David: Yeah! We can try some of them out for ourselves, to see if they're faked or if that stuff really blends.

Moon-Unit: Yeah! And why haven't the obvious things been tried?

Oscar: What?!

Vladimir: So the first thing we decided to do was make sure that some of the videos aren't faked. For example, will a credit card blend? So we tried it.

[Sound of credit card blending. 2 seconds.]

Vladimir: Apparently the answer is yes, credit cards will blend.

Michael: Try golf balls.

[Sounds of golf balls blending.]

Vladimir: Yep.

David: But what about iPods? They're kind of plastic but with metallic bits. Do they really blend like on the videos?

[Sound of iPod blending. Some crunchiness. 3 seconds.]

David: iPod... check!

Oliver: Ah, but you didn't compare whether an iPod loaded with 7000 songs would blend.

Warren: Or whether it would sound any different. We must apply science to this investigation!

Moon-Unit: All right, let's check.

[Sounds of someone typing fade in.]

Andrew: Hey Ingrid, can I borrow your iPod?

Ingrid: [Stops typing.] What for?

Andrew: Just an Irregular Podcast! we're doing.

Ingrid: Sure.

[Sounds of iPod blending.]

Ingrid: No, wait! What are you doing?!

Andrew: Hmm, that sounded about the same.

Michael: Maybe Britney cancels out Evanescence?

Moon-Unit: We fairly soon tired of checking the mundane objects, and started to ask the question: what do people really want to blend, but don't dare?

Vladimir: What about Rubik's cubes?

[Brief plasticy blend.]

Warren: [Bored] Yes.

David: PlayStations?

[Brief crunchy blend.]

Warren: [More bored] Yes.

Ingrid: Harry Potter books?


Warren: Boooring.

Oliver: What about a blender?

Vladimir: But... we only have one blender.

Michael: Ouroborotastic!


David: Speaking of only having one... Will a radiation suit blend?


Warren: [Bored] Yes.

Vladimir: This is getting too easy. We need a challenge. Or at least something interesting to blend.

Ingrid: How about we blend Jar-Jar Binks?

[small pause]

Moon-Unit: Nah, too obvious.


Oliver: I know! Why don't we blend Bill Gates's wallet?

All: Hey yeah! / Good idea! / All right! / Cool! / Awesome!

Oscar: What?!

Andrew: Oddly enough, Bill Gates wouldn't return our calls. So we flew to the USA.

[Plane taking off. Plane landing.]

Andrew: Where we got our man Norbert into Bill Gates's house with a daring undercover infiltration operation.

[Impossible Mission theme in background]

Bill Gates' servant: Yes, what do you want?

Norbert: G'day. I'm here to look after Bill's Allosaurus.

Bill Gates' servant: He has one of those? Well, I suppose he can afford it. Come in.

Andrew: And once inside, Norbert proceeded to execute a cunning plan to locate Bill Gates's wallet and replace it with a decoy.

Norbert: Say, where does Bill keep his wallet?

Bill Gates' servant: Over there. Say, what's that wallet-like object in your hand?

Norbert: Oh, nothin'.

[car chase sounds]

Warren: And after a brief high-speed car chase through the streets of Seattle, which you might have seen on the news a few weeks back, Norbert managed to return with Bill Gates's wallet. So the question was, will Bill Gates's wallet blend?

[Blender sounds. It breaks down!]

Various: Oh dear god! / What! / Oh no!

Oscar: What?!

Warren: Well, that's an interesting result. Bill Gates's wallet is just plain too stuffed with cash to actually blend.

Vladimir: But blending rich people's money, wasn't enough.

Oliver: I know. Why don't we try to blend the source of Bill Gates's money?

David: What do you mean?

Oliver: Well, his wallet's too thick to blend, but maybe we can thin it out. Let's blend Microsoft Windows!

Ingrid: Hell yeah!

Vladimir: But... how?

Michael: Blend a computer loaded with Windows?

David: Won't that release viruses into the atmosphere?

Michael: We'll do it in a sealed container so that no dust escapes.

Ingrid: You know, to do this experiment properly we really need to compare this with the same kind of computer loaded with Linux.

Vladimir: That's a very good point.

Warren: And so the more elaborate phase of our experimentation began...

Moon-Unit: Okay, on the count of three, switch on both blenders and we'll see which operating system blends best. One, two, three!

[Dual blending and crunching sounds.... one becomes less crunchy.]

Moon-Unit: And the winner is... Linux blends with hardware the fastest and the most seamlessly.

Andrew: Hang on... Didn't we only have one blender?

Oscar: What?!

Vladimir: But that was just the beginning.

[deep, throaty car revving sounds]

Warren: And here we have the 5.6 litre 48-valve V-12 fuel injected 620 kilowatt turbo diesel Ferrari GTB 619, with 6 speed manual transmission capable of delivering 710 newton-metres of torque at 5900 rpm. It has an electronic active differential and suspension allowing a glassy smooth ride without sacrificing handling thanks to a new traction control system, and is capable of accelerating from 0 to 100 km/h in 4.2 seconds. All together, it's an awesome car. But the real question is: Will it blend?


Warren: Far too easy.

[jet engine noise]

David: But here's a Lockheed-Martin F-22A Raptor stealth fighter, incorporating fourth generation radar-absorbent design to give it almost zero radar cross-section, as well as a disguised infrared signature and ultra-quiet sonic baffling. This is the ultimate in military hardware stealth technology. But will it blend?


David: Yes, it blends!

[beautiful solo violin music]

Vladimir: Hey what are you guys doing?

Oliver: Ah, just blending more stuff.

Vladimir: Say, isn't that a Stradivarius?

Oscar: Stradi-what?!

[violin music segues into crunchy wooden blending]

Oliver: Not any more!

Moon-Unit: If we're blending art, how about the Mona Lisa?

[brief woody blend]

Ingrid: Too easy. It's just canvas and wood. We need a real challenge.

Andrew: Rodin's bronze and marble masterpiece, "The Thinker"?

[metallic blend]

Michael: The Guggenheim Museum!

[architectural blending]

David: So we discovered that we could blend art. But what about science? What could we blend, not just to satisfy our own depraved, hedonistic desires, but purely for scientific research purposes?

Warren: A Japanese whaling ship! The march of science must not be stopped! Will it blend!


Warren: Yes, it blends!

Oliver: You know, to be fair and impartial, we really should try blending a whale too.

[whale song noises]

Vladimir: Is that a humpback? Aren't they endangered?

Oliver: This one is! Will it blend?!

[wet, sloppy blending]

Oliver: Yes, it blends!

Michael: Oooh! Oooh! I've got one! A banana, with, with, with yoghurt and milk! Will it blend!

[brief, unexciting blend]

Warren: [deadpan, nonplussed] Yesss...

Michael: What? I was thirsty. [slurp through a straw noise]

Warren: I hadn't washed the blender yet...

Michael: cough cough hack cough gag!

Ingrid: Simple material objects were, of course, far too easy. We craved more challenges.

Andrew: The British Broadcasting Corporation, commonly known as the BBC. Will it blend?

[chaotic mixture of Dr Who theme song, blending]

Michael: The Internet! Will the Internet blend?!


[bird song]

David: The feeling of happiness you get on a warm afternoon in late spring. Will it blend?


David: Yes!

Warren: The Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics! Will it blend!

[blend, mixed with cat noises]

Oliver: Well, did it blend?

Warren: I'm not sure. I wasn't observing it.

Moon-Unit: But that still wasn't enough. From computers to planes to ships, none of it was enough. We wanted more. And the more we blended, the more addicted we became.

[French accordion music plays under the whole scene.]

Vladimir: And here we are in Paris, France, asking the question everyone wants answered. Will the Eiffel Tower blend? Let's find out.

[long blend of metal crunching noises. Accordion music continues.]

Vladimir: [Ecstatic] Yes, yes, the Eiffel Tower blends!

Moon-Unit: From then on, no landmark was untouchable.


Andrew: The Colosseum has stood for nearly 2000 years. But will it blend?

[rocky blend]

[Chinese music]

Ingrid: The Great Wall of China!


Michael: You know that was visible from the moon?

Ingrid: That's a myth! Hmmm... Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Michael: Will the moon blend?

NASA Launch Control Engineer: 10, 9, we have ignition sequence start, engines on, 5, 4, 3, 2, all engines running, [inaudible behind rocket noise], liftoff, we have liftoff!

[rocket launch]


[NASA space communication beeps]

Michael: That's one small step for man, one giant blend for mankind.

David: We were addicted, but there was no way out.

Warren: Does an Entmoot blend?

[Entmoot sounds, followed by blending]

Warren: An Entmoot blends!

Oliver: We clearly needed help. But who do you turn to when you can't stop blending?

Vladimir: Does a podcast blend?

[2 seconds of blending noise following by the sudden termination of podcast's MP3]


Vladimir - Loki P.
David - Andrew S.
Andrew - David K.
Michael - David Mc.
Ingrid - Veronica L.
Warren - David MM.
Moon-Unit - Jessica P.
Oliver - Steven I.
Oscar - David Mc.
Bill Gates' servant - Jessica P.
Norbert - Andrew S.
Singers: David MM, David Mc, David K, Loki P, Andrew S, Steven I, Andrew C, Jessica P, Veronica L.
Guitar: Mark T, Michael W.

Programme Notes

This is, of course, a take-off of the successful viral marketing Internet campaign Will it blend?, by Blendtec blenders. The blending sounds used in the podcast are actually short snippets of blending sounds taken from the real Will it blend? videos.

On the choice of theme song: It's a blended family.

Everything in the song is true too. We wanted some female voices, and approached some of our workmates, selling them on the idea that it would be fun to appear in a podcast. They turned up to the recording room to see the song lyrics written on a whiteboard, to which the immediate reaction was, "You never said we had to sing!" And all of them are indeed blonde, except one of them, who also has no curls.

I realise the song is badly distorted. Unfortunately it was hard to get the levels right and, well, our policy is that one take is enough.

Actual quote from just prior to recording:

Shall we do the key change leading into the third verse?

Those who know how to do a key change can do one. Those who don't, don't worry about it.

The rocket countdown and launch is a NASA recording of the launch of Apollo 17. The beeps and static during the "one giant blend" dialogue are taken from the Apollo 11 NASA broadcast of the Eagle landing. The background to the Bill Gates infiltration scene is the Mission: Impossible theme, as rendered by us, a capella. The French music is from the theme music of the BBC sitcom 'Allo 'Allo!. Volare is as sung by Dean Martin. The music in the backgroud of the BBC blend is the 2005 version of the Dr Who theme tune. The Chinese music is part of a traditional folk song titled Moon is High.

My comics: Irregular Webcomic! | Darths & Droids | Eavesdropper | Planet of Hats | The Dinosaur Whiteboard | mezzacotta
My blogs: (daily updates) | 100 Proofs that the Earth is a Globe (science!) | Carpe DMM (long form posts) | Snot Block & Roll (food reviews)
More comics I host: The Prisoner of Monty Hall | Lightning Made of Owls | Square Root of Minus Garfield | iToons | Comments on a Postcard | Awkward Fumbles
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This work is copyright and is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 4.0 International Licence by David Morgan-Mar.