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Irregular Podcast! #13

2007-09-22: Irregular Podcast! #13 - "The Complete Works of Western Literature" (7:34, 1.73 MB)


WARNING: This podcast is topical. For external use only.

Vladimir: We've done the Lord of the Rings. We've done Star Wars. We need something more ambitious.

Geoff: What about the Complete Works of Shakespeare? Every play in ten minutes?

Warren: Nah, it's been done.

Richard: Robert Jordan's The Wheel of Time?

Warren: Not big enough...

Michael: Oooh! Oooh! The Bible! Both Testaments! And the Tanakh and Talmud! And, and the Qu'ran! And the Vedas and the Baghavad Gita! And... and... and... everything by L. Ron Hubbard!

Warren: Not controversial enough.


One two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve! Doo doo do-doo-do-doo doo doo do-doo-do-doo Podcast! Do doo-doo!

Vladimir: Irregular Podcast! presents: The Complete Works of Western Literature.

David: How on Earth are we going to do that?

Vladimir: By genre. Let's start with Mystery:

Oscar: What?!

Vladimir: There you go, one down already. Fantasy:

Fantasy Hero: Hi, I'm just a normal boy. Or hobbit.

Mysterious Wizard: No you're not! You've been chosen! The fate of the whole world rests on your shoulders, and evil powerful beings are going to try to kill you.

Fantasy Hero: Wow, I have all this talent I was never aware of.

Average Person: Thanks to some sort of laudable strength of character, he's defeated the evil overlord and saved the world. Huzzah!

Vladimir: Comedy:

Lovable Rogue 1: Someone's after us because of a misunderstanding or because we're lovable rogues who have flouted the law in some mischievous but non-harmful way!

Lovable Rogue 2: Let's cross-dress and hide amongst a group of unsuspecting women!

Lovable Rogue 1: [falsetto] I say, this disguise is almost perfect.

Lovable Rogue 2: [falsetto] Almost too perfect, I venture.

Vladimir: Hilarity ensues!

Vladimir: War:

Veteran: Let me tell you about the time we went to fight Jerry. We had a really bad time and most of us died.

Vladimir: Regency Romance:

Narrator 1: It is a truth universally acknowledged, my dear brother, how often, in answer to my repeated entreaties that you would give audience to Emma Woodhouse, handsome, clever, and rich, with a comfortable home not far from Sir Walter Elliot, of Kellynch Hall, in Somersetshire, who is acquainted with Miss Maria Ward, of Huntingdon, who, with only seven thousand pounds to her name, had the good luck to captivate Sir Thomas Bertram, of Mansfield Park, and who did not scruple to predict Emma's marrying with almost equal advantage into the society of his nephew and niece, and their children, wherein the old Gentleman's days are comfortably spent and his attachment to them all increases, that you must be in want of a wife of happy disposition, who seems to unite some of the best blessings of existence, and who, had you ever seen her in her infancy, would have supposed her to be born an heroine.

Vladimir: Bodice-Ripping Romance:

Narrator 2: Overcome with his intense passion, Drake manfully thrust hard with his throbbing equipment, again and again, oblivious to the inevitable consequences of his actions and revelling in the sensual pleasure of using his electric toothbrush in a simple to and fro motion rather than brushing in small circles as his dentist had advised, and hoping that Cecelia would appreciate his minty fresh breath over dinner later that evening more than the damage he was doing to his enamel.

Vladimir: Spy Thriller:

Narrator 3: He's the best secret counter terrorist double agent martial artist spy in the business, but can he handle his next, most dangerous mission yet?

[arse-kicking sound effects]

New Girlfriend: Yes, he can!

[kissing noise]

Vladimir: Science Fiction:

Professor: All the aliens in the universe are obsessed with Earth, and the time travelling ones with the 20th century in particular. Let's find out why!

Student: Maybe it was the Tunguska event?

Professor: Yes!

Vladimir: Action:

Arnie: Now I'm going to kill all your generic henchmen with my weapons of limitless ammunition.

[machine gun fire]

Bad Guy: But you can't kill me, because I've kidnapped your daughter!

Arnie: Watch me.


Daughter: Oh daddy! You saved me!

Arnie: I'll be back.

Vladimir: Romantic Comedy:

Female lead: Oh, we're so in love!

Male lead: Yes, but now we have a humorous misunderstanding.

Female lead: I shall now hate you for almost the entire remainder of the story.

Vladimir: Children's:

Narrator 4: One day, Miss Fluffy Bunnikins had a sore tooth. So she visited Doc Croc and his special chair. "Brushing teeth is very important," he said. "But be careful of your enamel." The end.

Vladimir: Horror:

[bloodcurdling scream]

Vladimir: Gothic Horror:

[the same bloodcurdling scream]

Goth: Oh, and we dress in black.

Vladimir: Western:

Cowboy 1: This town ain't big enough for the both of us.


Cowboy 2: Now give me a tough problem.

Vladimir: Whodunnit:

Detective: I'm just a retired detective going about my every day business. Oh no! Someone who either everybody or nobody had a reason to kill has been murdered! Can I solve the mystery?

Detective: Yes, I can. It was the butler.

Butler: I would have got away with it too if it wasn't for those meddling kids!

Vladimir: Superheroes:

Superhero 1: I'm a square-jawed hero with incredible powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men! I'm here to save the world.

Superhero 2: I'm a modern-day hero with a single interesting ability that requires creative use! I'm here to angst over the differences between us and mortal people that means I can never live a normal life.

Superhero 3: I'm a young hothead who can barely control my powers!

Superhero 4: I'm the token female in a revealing spandex costume.

All Superheroes: And together we are-

Vladimir: Fairy Tale:

Narrator 5: Once upon a time they all lived happily ever after. The end.

Vladimir: Cop Drama:

Cop: Here I am on the trail of an insane serial killer, one day before my retirement.

[sounds of helicopter, police car siren, tyres screeching, and huge explosion]

Michael: You know, we really should do Shakespeare as a genre in itself.

Vladimir: Okay, the Comedies:

Shakespearean Hero 1: If only I couldst find a fair maiden of mine own.

Servant: [falsetto] Seek no further! I, your humble manservant, am a woman in disguise!

Vladimir: The Histories:

Shakespearean Hero 2: Alack! The king is slain!

Vladimir: The Tragedies.

Tragic Shakespearean Hero: Alack! We are all slain!

Warren: Ta-da! Done!

Michael: Wait a minute, I think we missed something back in Fantasy.

Vladimir: Oh, so we did. Easily fixed.


Warren: Ta-da!


One two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve! Doo doo do-doo-do-doo doo doo do-doo-do-doo doo-doo. Podcast!


[machine gun fire]

Arnie: I told you I'd be back.


Vladimir: Adventure:

[ad-libbed out-take that I can't be bothered transcribing, something about a train and a bus and the Mona Lisa]


Fantasy Hero: Wow, I have all this talent... [voice drops several octaves] all this talent I was never aware of. Buahahahah!


Vladimir - Loki P.
Geoff - Peter P.
Michael - David Mc.
Warren - David MM.
Richard - Andrew C.
David - Andrew S.
Oscar - David Mc.
Fantasy Hero, Narrator 1, Student, Male Lead, Butler, Shakespearean Hero 1, Tragic Shakespearean Hero - Peter P.
Mysterious Wizard, Lovable Rogue 1, Professor, Bad Guy, Cowboy 1, Superhero 1, Shakespearean Hero 2 - Andrew S.
Average Person, Narrator 2, Arnie, Female Lead, Detective, Goth, Servant, Cop - David MM.
Lovable Rogue 2, New Girlfriend, Daughter, Superhero 4 - David Mc.
Veteran, Narrator 3, Narrator 4, Cowboy 2, Superhero 2 - Andrew C.
Superhero 3, Narrator 5 - Loki P.
Singers: Andrew C, David Mc, Peter P.

Programme Notes

The bits after the second song and Arnie's reappearance are out-takes/bloopers that occurred during recording. The "Adventure" sequence was not scripted beforehand and we tried to ad-lib something on the spot, but it didn't turn out terribly well, so I cut it from the final edit. The closing line by the Fantasy Hero was ad-libbed spontaneously by Peter P. during the first take at recording it. While we liked it, we agreed that a straight approach would fit the narrative better, so I preserved the first version as an out-take.

The song... well, I don't know how many people will recognise it. All the other guys were incredibly excited about doing it, whereas I'd never heard it before. They say it's from Sesame Street, but I watched Sesame Street myself when I was a kid, and I don't recall anything like that. They've actually been pestering me to record that song for several podcasts now, so I finally relented and let them do it.

The Regency Romance section consists of a sentence from the beginning of every single Jane Austen novel, all munged together into one barely coherent mass. Loki P. wrote it, and I actually spent about an hour rewriting it to make it more coherent and grammatically correct. It wasn't easy.

The bloodcurdling scream is the famous Wilhelm Scream, as used in countless Hollywood blockbusters.

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