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Irregular Podcast! #17

2008-04-01: Irregular Podcast! #17 - "Arlington Wolfe II: Parachronic Boogaloo" (11:58, 5.48 MB)


WARNING: This podcast is yet to be recorded, some time in the distant future.

[Theme song. To the tune of "Sharp Dressed Man" by ZZ Top.]

Dirty shirt, old shoes
And I don't know when I'm goin' to.
Cheap suit, bad tie,
I don't need a reason why.
They come runnin' just as fast as they can
Coz every girl crazy 'bout a time trav'lin' man.

Blue jeans, a classic
Left you stuck in the Jurassic.
Loud coat, parachronic hat,
I need to find out when you're at.
They come runnin' just as fast as they can
Coz every girl crazy 'bout a time trav'lin' man.

It is a well known and proven fact amongst tourists that the best way to communicate with the natives when travelling in foreign lands is not to muck about trying to learn the local language, but instead to simply speak in your own tongue loudly, slowly, and emphatically.

No-one ever took this advice more to heart than the people of the planet Lardle Lardle, who were such prolific travellers in both space and time that their entire home world was often deserted for centuries while everyone was out doing a spot of sightseeing.

Eventually, the constant practice of speaking just a few choice words of their own language took its toll, and their language devolved until it consisted of just a single word: "Lardle". Meaning was conveyed entirely by how loudly, slowly or emphatically one said that word.

For instance, the sentence "Lardle lardle lardle" means "Which way to the train station?", while "Lardle lardle lardle" means "Where did you buy that ice cream?" and "Lardle lardle lardle" means "I would like to sleep with your wife".

The people of Lardle Lardle eventually tired of travelling, and, using their collected holiday photographs as reference, built upon their planet magnificent and faithful copies of major art works and famous buildings from all over the Galaxy. For example, one particularly large sea-side gelateria is an exact replica of the Earth city of Venice, replete with flooded canals, decorative bridges, and strangely attired men who, for a price, will push young lovers around in boats singing the song "Lardle lardle lardle lardle", the lyrics of which, unbeknownst to the young lovers, actually mean "I can't believe they're paying me to push them around in a boat while singing this song".

None of the millions of tourists to the planet ever picked up on this or the many other subtle verbal deceptions committed by the inhabitants of Lardle Lardle, for the simple reason that although visitors to the world could rightfully claim to know all the words of the native tongue, it was frightfully difficult for anyone to actually know what they meant.

It is for this reason that visitors to the planet are greeted at the starport by a sign written in letters fifty foot tall which reads: "Lardle lardle lardle, lardle lardle lardle lardle, lardle lardle lardle lardle lardle lardle, lardle", which roughly translates as follows:

"Tourists are advised to refrain from attempting to speak our language under any circumstances, unless you wish to be arrested for fooling around on a train with a tub of ice cream and someone's wife."

None of this is, of course, any help whatsoever to Sarah Louise Connor, who is stuck in the Late Jurassic without a time machine.

[Jungle sounds.]

Sarah: Arlington? Arlington? Where've you gone? Oh god, I'm stuck here in the late Jurassic without a time machine.

Narrator: Meanwhile, in the early 20th century, Arlington Wolfe, cross-time detective, is trapped on an iceberg.

[Tardis materialises. Gulls keening.]

Doctor: See, what did I tell you? Perfect landing.

Companion: Doctor, we're on top of an iceberg.

Doctor: Odd. There shouldn't be icebergs in the Thames for another three thousand years.

Companion: Or... maybe, just maybe, we're nowhere near the Thames this time.

Doctor: Nonsense! Next you'll be saying the Tardis didn't land in the early 21st century.

Arlington: Oh, thank goodness, I thought I'd be stranded out here forever. The ship crashed and sank, you see, because that idiot Baldrick broke the ship's steering wheel.

Doctor: Told you. English speaking, 21st century Earth attire.

Companion: Smarty pants.

Arlington: Look, I'm on a bit of a schedule here. I've got to fix history, and I can't do that without my hat.

Doctor: I can perfectly understand that. Used to have the full set, hat and scarf. I wonder where that scarf went. Well, pop inside, and tell us all about it.

[Tardis dematerialises.]

[Tardis hum.]

Arlington: So there you have it. Sarah is stuck in the late Jurassic and it's all my fault. So... how can I rescue her?

Doctor: Hmm? Oh, can't be done.

Arlington/Companion: What!?

Doctor: No. Can't be done.

Companion: But you're a Time Lord, with a time machine, can't we just nip back and pick her up?

Doctor: Back to when?

Arlington: I told you, the...

Arlington/Doctor: ... late Jurassic.

Doctor: ... yes you said. But when in the late Jurassic? What year, precisely?

Arlington: {wincing} Uh... 145 million years ago?

Doctor: Exactly! Not very precise now is it? No, I'm sorry. There's simply no way to locate her.

Arlington: {gloomy} Bottom.

Doctor: {gloomy} Indeed.


Doctor: {sprightly} Of course, you could just prevent yourself from meeting her. Then she'd never go back in time in the first place.

Arlington: Oh. Will that work?

Doctor: Absolutely.

Arlington: You're a genius!

Companion: So he keeps saying.

Doctor: So, come on. When did you first meet her?

Arlington: A wedding. Her wedding, actually. 1986. Watford. England. August 23rd I think.

[Tardis materialisation sound.]

Doctor: There you go. Afternoon tea time.

Arlington: Wow, thanks!

Doctor: Remember, whatever you do, don't let yourself see you, otherwise all kinds of paradoxes—

Arlington: Yeah, bye!

[running away]

[Wedding music, low.]

Minister: Ahem. And do you, Sarah Louise Delaney, take this man, Fergus Sean Connor, to be your lawful wedded husband?

Sarah: I do.

Minister: Then I now pronounce you, husband and wife.

Terminator: Sarah Connor?

Sarah: Not another one? Yes? What is it? Can't a girl get married in peace?

Guests: [Many screams!] He's got a gun, look out!

[shooting starts]

Arlington 1: Sarah! Hi! You have amazing eyes, I'm from the future, can I buy you a drink, come with me if you want to live. I think that was the right order.

Arlington 2: [panting as he runs in] Drat! I'm too late.

Arlington 1: Quick, get in the car with the dog.

Sarah: Is that a DeLorean?

Einstein: Woof!

[car drives off, fading away]

Arlington 2: Well. I've got my hat back, I guess that's something.

Fergus: Run, man! Run for your... YOU!

Arlington 2: Ah, you must be the groom. Fine day for it.

[gun shots in the background]

Fergus: You lunatic. Are you responsible—?

Arlington 2: Responsible? Not me. Twin brother. He's always had a thing for girls with hoopy earrings.

Fergus: {cautious} Oh, I see.

Arlington 2: Look, do you have a car?

Fergus: {cautious} Just there.

Arlington 2: Take me to Sarah's place. Quickly!

[car doors close, car drives off]

[car pulls up, car doors close]

Arlington 2: Right, back one day should do it. Bye bye "Fergus"!

Fergus: {suspicious} Wait a minute, you're not going anywh—

[worp worp fade out]

[worp worp fade in]

Arlington 2: Right, the night before the wedding. Thank goodness. Well, here goes nothing.


[door opens]

Jane: Finally! Come in!

Arlington 2: {surprised} Uh, thanks.

Sarah: That's not Fergus is it? He can't see me tonight!

Jane: {giggling} No, Sarah, it's definitely not Fergus. Right, in you go. You're late.

Arlington 2: Err, wh... er... what?

Girl 1: Hi! I like the hat.

Girl 2: Oh, he's cute.

Sarah: Who's this?

Girl 1: Rock star you said.

Girl 2: Is he meant to look like that guy from Duran Duran?

Girl 1 and Girl 2 together: Hungry Like The Wolf! Rowrrr! {giggles}

Jane: Start the music.

["The Stripper" music starts.]

Sarah: No way! No way!!!!

Arlington 2: I think there's been some misunderstanding.

Girl 1: C'mon, get your kit off!

Jane: And you, Sarah, you're not going anywhere.

Arlington 2: Uh, n... no, you see—

Jane: Apparently, he's the best money can buy.


Arlington 2: Well, that is true.

Girls: Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! etc...

Arlington 2: Oh, what the hell... I do charge by the hour, you know.

Girls: ...Off! Off! Off! [fade]

[street, night]

Jane: Bye, loverboy.

Arlington 2: I'll be seeing you then.

[Door slams.]

Arlington 2: Thanks for the tip.

[footsteps approach]

Arlington 2: Oh, sorry "Fergus". She doesn't want to see you tonight. Night before the wedding. It's tradition.

Fergus: Who in the Sam Hill are you?

Arlington 2: Well, I'm not me, that's for sure. I'm the twin brother.

Fergus: Heh?

Arlington 2: Never mind. Look, I could murder a whiskey. Let me buy you a drink. Last night out on the town, Fergus. What do you say?

Fergus: Who are you?

Arlington 2: Believe it or not, I'm actually your best hope of keeping Sarah.

Fergus: You're Jane's friend? The one who's studying to be a priest. She's revealed everything to you then?

Arlington 2: I wouldn't have said it quite that way around.

Fergus: I only told Jane about my doubts because she knows Sarah better than anyone. It's nay about being afraid of getting married, ye ken?

Arlington 2: Sure. It's a big step, committing to one person for longer than a week. It's understandable that you're having second thoughts.

Fergus: Me? No, I'm not having second thoughts. It's Sarah. I'm worried she's going to run off at the last moment, leave me at the altar. Do you think I'm being stupid?

Arlington 2: Noooo. No, not at all.

Fergus: I fear she'll feel trapped. That she'll wake up one day and realise she's living with an ugly cave-man.

Arlington 2: Oh, god, I hope not.

Fergus: And sometimes she's so adamant that she needs to change things.

Arlington 2: I know where you're coming from.

Fergus: What if she wants to change me?

Arlington 2: Fergus, m'lad, let's go for that drink. I have a feeling we have a lot to talk about.

[morning birds twittering]

["Time Machine" sound effect.]

Time Traveller: Ah, a Morlock! But no! I am mistaken. It... it is merely a hairy man, lying naked unconscious upon a sofa. There is a smell of alcohol in the air. Presently, I perceive a second chamber.

[door creaking open]

Time Traveller: It appears I am an interloper in a realm of iniquity, a future wherein the natural laws of modesty and civilisation have given way to vice and corruption. For before me I see a bed chamber, in which lies another disrobed drunkard. Oh, to what state has humanity devolved in this future era?

Arlington 2: Errrrrr....

Time Traveller: The man upon the sofa stirs.

Arlington 2: Remind me never to drink a whole bottle of whiskey.

Time Traveller: A subhuman creature which appears to speak English.

Arlington 2: Good heavens! What time is it? And... have you seen my trousers? I have a wedding to crash, a bride to rescue from an ugly cave-man, a boat to sink, history to fix, no... wait... an ugly cave-man and an Allosaurus... and I have a splitting headache. What's worse, I seem to have misplaced my jock-strap.

WARNING: This podcast is: To be continued.


Narrator - Loki P.
Sarah Delaney - Veronica L.
Arlington Wolfe - Andrew S.
Doctor - Loki P.
Companion - Rhonda G.
Minister - David K.
Terminator - David MM.
Fergus - David Mc.
Panicked Wedding Guest - Steven I.
Jane - Rachel P.
Girl 1 - Veena D.
Girl 2 - Qianlu L.
Time Traveller - Steven I.
Singers: David MM., David Mc, David K, Andrew S, Steven I.
Script: Loki P.
Editing: David MM.

Programme Notes

This is, of course, the sequel and continuation of the story begun in podcast #14. If you're don't understand any of what's going on in this one, you might need to go back and listen to that one first. It's been a long time between drinks for the podcasts, and we're sorry there has been such a gap in the production, but we've definitely not abandoned them!

Another first for Irregular Podcast!, I've increased the bit sample rate to improve the audio quality. This results in a larger file size, but given that download speeds and storage space are increasing rapidly, I think it's justified at this point.

And yet another first, this time we had several first-time voice actors helping us out with additional voices, and they had limited time to record, so we ended up recording this one entirely in separate tracks for each actor, rather than actually reading through the dialogue in chronological order (such as it is for a time travel podcast). Which made the editing job more longer and more tedious, but at least we got the job done!

My comics: Irregular Webcomic! | Darths & Droids | Eavesdropper | Planet of Hats | The Dinosaur Whiteboard | mezzacotta
My blogs: (daily updates) | 100 Proofs that the Earth is a Globe (science!) | Carpe DMM (long form posts) | Snot Block & Roll (food reviews)
More comics I host: The Prisoner of Monty Hall | Lightning Made of Owls | Square Root of Minus Garfield | iToons | Comments on a Postcard | Awkward Fumbles
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