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Irregular Podcast! #182008-04-25: Irregular Podcast! #18 - "Arlington Wolfe III: The Search for Sarah" (12:56, 5.92 MB) TranscriptWARNING: Listening to things backwards can be difficult to understand. [Theme song. To the tune of "Hungry Like The Wolf" by Duran Duran.]
Dark in the jungle, night is alive
In touch with the ground
An Allosaurus, too close to hide
In touch with the ground Cross-time relationships are, of course, fraught with all kinds of perils. For instance, on the planet Earth in the 37th century, after it became so passe to go back in time in order to become one's own grandfather that the fashionable instead started going forward in time to become one's own grandson, a particularly rich and inbred businessman had the audacity to do both, thereby skipping the middle generation and entirely ceasing to exist. His story was foolishly sold for a small sum to a society magazine by his widow, who was also his great grandmother, sister, aunt, grand-niece, and nanny, but who was so put out by the resulting publicity she later had a sex change and went back in time to marry herself, thereby avoiding the whole sorry situation. [church music] Arlington 3: Watford, England, August 23rd. 2:45 pm. Note to future self: I've failed, several times, to stop Sarah from meeting me. Not only have I managed to meet her in two different time lines, I've also met her fiance twice, impersonated a priest and a stripper, and now I have the mother of all hangovers. I spent the last few hours in hospital having my stomach pumped. Never drink cheap whiskey, that's all I can say. So, it's time for plan B. Terminator: Is dis da Church of Saint Peter? Arlington 3: Yes, it is. I was beginning to think you weren't going to show up. Here, you dropped this gun. Terminator: I did not have a gun. Arlington: Well, you do now. Terminator: I'll be back. Arlington 3: I hope not. 2:46 pm, musclebound madman enters church to create a diversion. [church music] Arlington 3: 2:47 pm, Arlington Wolfe the Second will soon run up to the church from around that corner and fail to stop the wedding. A few seconds before then a DeLorean carrying Arlington Wolfe the First should— [DeLorean appears in a crack of thunder and a screech of tyres.] Einstein: Woof! [DeLorean door opens.] Arlington 1: Stay, boy, stay. This church looks like the right place. [Runs up the steps. Church music swells momentarily.] Arlington 3: Note to self, do not leave keys in ignition of a stolen car, it might get stolen. Easy doggy, I just want to put my hat under the seat for Sarah to find. Hang on, that isn't my hat. Oh my god... I've lost my hat again. Now how am I going to rescue Sarah? Guests: [Many screams!] He's got a gun, look out! [gunshots] Arlington 3: [calling out] Don't worry, it's blanks, all blanks! [to himself] Uh oh, here they come. Err. Umm. Must, hide, somewhere... Move over, dog. I think there's room in the back seat. Einstein: Woof! Arlington 1: Quick, get in the car with the dog. Sarah: Is that a DeLorean? Einstein: Woof! Arlington 3: Shh! Nice doggy. Arlington 1: My hat! We've got to go back. Sarah: What are you talking about, drive! Arlington 1: Without my hat, I'll be stuck in the eighties! Sarah: Mister, with that hat you'll be stuck in the eighties. [car accelerating] [flux capacitor kicks in] Sarah: You know... you look strangely familiar. Do I know you? Arlington 1: You mean, besides from just now when I saved you from your wedding? Sarah: You're... you're... the stripper! Arlington 1: Huh? Sarah: From last night. Covington Road. The Duran Duran singer lookalike. Arlington 1: Madam, I don't know who this Duran Duran person is, but this is no time for flattering him. Sarah: You know, you accidentally took Jane's hat last night. She's still got yours. Arlington 1: Huh? Sarah: And I still have your G-string. Arlington 3: [whispering from back seat] Note to self, that solves two mysteries. [flux capacitor stops] Sarah: What? Where are we? Arlington 1: When are we, more's the point. [low rumbling background noise] Sarah: A cruise liner? Arlington 1: Hmm. [fog horn] Arlington 3: Right, while those two are off saving the Titanic, I just need to... ah! Well done, me. Note to future self: The third deckchair from the left. Einstein: Woof! Sarah: [fading in] ... kind of immoral person goes through time without trying to fix the big disasters? Arlington 1: Ah... well... you have a point. Let's get out of here. [car driving] [flux capacitor kicks in] [jungle sounds] Sarah: Arlington? Arlington? Where've you gone? Oh god, I'm stuck in the late Jurassic without a time machine. Arlington 3: Here I am! Sarah: Oh, good heavens, I thought I'd lost you. Arlington 3: No, I was just catching the dog. Clever plan of mine, to stow away aboard the only vessel that could find you. Einstein: Woof! Sarah: It's still an Allosaurus-stomped wreck though. So now what? Arlington 3: Hey, is that diamond ring real or fake? Sarah: (indignant) Real! Family heirloom from Fergus's grandmother. Arlington 3: Do you happen to know where Fergus's grandfather lived, before he was married? Sarah: Sure. Cambridge Terrace. Arlington 3: Good. Now help me with this crush-proof steel box of high tech spare parts. Sarah: Where'd you find that?! Arlington 3: In the wreckage of the DeLorean, under the seat. We should have this time machine fixed in no time. [jungle dounds fade out] [DeLorean appears, screeches to a halt.] Arlington 3: Hamish Connor? Hamish: Yes? Good lord, what manner of attire is this, my good man? Arlington 3: Sorry, we've just spent a year in the Jurassic. Are you by any chance in the market for an engagement ring? Hamish: I dinnae know how you know, but as it happens I am embarking on an expedition to the jewellers for just such an item for my beloved Fiona this very minute. Arlington 3: Do I have a bargain for you! [flux capacitor and driving noises] Sarah: I can't believe you sold my engagement ring. Arlington 3: Don't worry, you'll get exactly the same ring back. Eventually. Sarah: For 35 pounds, two and sixpence! Arlington 3: It was all he had on him. Sarah: And then bought shares in some obscure Japanese playing-card company that that stockbroker had to look up, and said was going broke! What was the name again? [DeLorean screeches to a halt] Arlington 3: Nintendo. Excuse me, it's 2008 and I have some shares to sell, and some spare parts and a crush-proof steel box to buy. Sarah: And then what? Arlington 3: We have a ship to visit. [DeLorean noises] [foghorn] Arlington 4: Quick, under the third deckchair from the left. They'll be here any second. [flux capacitor stops] Sarah: What? Where are we? Arlington 1: When are we, more's the point. [low rumbling background noise] Sarah: A cruise liner? Arlington 1: Hmm. [fog horn] Arlington 3: Right, while those two are off saving the Titanic, I just need to... ah! Well done, me. Note to future self: The third deckchair from the left. Einstein: Woof! Sarah: [fading in] ... kind of immoral person goes through time without trying to fix the big disasters? Arlington 1: Ah... well... you have a point. Let's get out of here. [car driving] Sarah 2: Okay, that was bizarre. Arlington 4: And just one last stop to go. [car driving] [doorbell] [door opens] Jane: Sarah! What did the hairdresser do?! Arlington 4: Hi Jane. Jane: The stripper! Arlington 4: I believe you have my hat. Jane: Well yes, as a matter of fact. Here it is... Arlington 4: Thanks! See you at the wedding! Jane: Sarah! You never invited him...? Sarah 2: I'll explain later, Jane. It's a bit complicated. Now I better, uh... go get my hair done. Jane: Hurry! [Door closes] Sarah 2: Now what? Arlington 4: We wait. About two hours I should think. Quick, behind this hedge. You're just coming home from the hairdresser's. [car dives up, door opens and closes, footsteps] [doorbell, door opens] Jane: Sarah! What? How? Your hair! Sarah: Is there something wrong with it? Jane: No... um... Sarah: Well inside, quick! I have to be at the church in an hour! [door closes] Sarah 2: I thought she was acting a bit funny before the wedding. [birds whistling] Arlington 4: 3 o'clock. They should be pulling up any minute now. Sarah 2: Who? [car pulls up, car doors close] Arlington 2: Right, back one day should do it. Bye bye "Fergus"! Fergus: [suspicious] Wait a minute, you're not going anywh— [worp worp fade out] Fergus: —where. Hey, where'd he go? Sarah 2: Fergus! Fergus: Sarah! What are you doing hiding behind that hedge? How'd you get changed so fast? Arlington 4: Hi "Fergus". Fergus: And what's he doing here? Arlington 4: Don't mind me, I'm just leaving. Glad to see everything's sorted out. [worp worp fade out] Fergus: —where. Hey, where'd he go? Sarah 2: Oh Fergus, don't worry. Everything's fine now. We'll never see that man again. [brief silence] Fergus: And where's grandad's engagement ring? Sarah 2: {angry} Grrrr... Arlington! Fergus: Is that his DeLorean he left parked there? Einstein: Woof! [DeLorean sounds] Doc: Great Scott! Marty, the DeLorean's returned! Precisely 60 seconds into the future, just as I predicted. Marty: Yeah, that's great Doc. Sarah: I brought your dog back. Einstein: Woof! Doc: Apparently some strange side effect of time travel has turned the man who stole the car into a woman, Marty! Sarah 2: Listen, you're a time travel expert? Is there something you can help me with? Doc: Of course! What do you want? Sarah 2: This time, I'm going to fix everything ... [Different wedding music.] Minister: And do you, Rebecca Mary Jones, take this man— Arlington 5: [loudly] Sarah! Finally! Minister: And who are you young man? Arlington 5: I'm the stripper. From last night. At her place. She still has my G-string. Rebecca: Who on Earth are you? Arlington 5: Um. Wasn't there a different wedding scheduled for now? Minister: Yes, Sarah Delaney and Fergus Connor. But they eloped suddenly a week ago, so this couple took the booking. Arlington 5: Oh, interesting. Terminator: Sarah Connor? Minister: For the last time, the Connor wedding isn't on today. Panicked Wedding Guest: He's got a gun, look out! Arlington: [rapidly] Rebecca! Hi! You have amazing eyes, I'm from the future, can I buy you a drink, come with me if you want to live. [closing song chorus] .dnatsrednu ot tluciffid eb nac sdrawkcab sgniht ot gninetsiL :GNINRAW CastNarrator - Loki P.Arlington Wolfe - Andrew S. Sarah Delaney - Veronica L. Terminator - David MM. Panicked Wedding Guest - Steven I. Hamish Connor - David MM. Jane - Rachel P. Fergus - David Mc. Doc Brown - David Mc. Marty - Loki P. Minister - David K. Rebecca - Qianlu L. Singers: David MM., David Mc, David K, Andrew S, Steven I. Script: Loki P. Editing: David MM. Programme NotesThis is the third and final part of the story begun in podcast #14 and continued in podcast #17. This was recorded in the same recording session as #17, and of course recycles some of the material used in #14 and #17. |
